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2004-07-17 - 11:27 p.m.

Hello, I decided that I was being pretty negative and unfriendly towards the EX. After 30 years she probably has changed and it's unfair for me to think poorly of motivation etc. Maybe I'm the Bastard from hell instead of her? Do you think? It just seems so unreal that she's starting a charity for abandoned kids. The part where she says she dates younger men in thier 20s,30s and 40s makes more sense, they would be easier to manipulate than someone her own age. At any rate I've been wrong probably so I might call her someday.

I just have this recurring feeling we will end up having sex and it's going to come back on me in a very bad manner.

It's not that I'm weak willed, but the first time around our relationship was absolutely fated and fixed to occur, regardless of circumstances. I remember I spoke with her on the phone once, never having met her at all, but yet I went home and told my father that I had just met the woman I would marry, and sure enough, there was no other possible outcome.

I'm going to give this a rest now, it's becoming more boring I'm sure than mundane life stuff. How about telling you about work. I'm realizing that one reason I like this job is because I am working with all women (mostly). What could be better than subtle flirting all day? Of course it's not any offensive or termination type stuff, just generally friendliness and smiles. A new co-worker, friday, is a very attractive 35 yr old woman that is quite nice to work with. One of us is going to go in a couple weeks so I hope it's not me. Shawna is very competant and does a good job and is a pleasure to work with, so.....

About 3 months ago I found my older brother that I've been looking for for 30 years. I found him by accident in Los Angeles then, but never met him. I then lost his info and was searching on and off since. I spoke to him by phone and we decided to meet in Las Vegas this year. Now suddenly when I went to call him the phone is disconnected, the email doesn't work, and maybe I'll never get to meet him. His ex-wife won't return my phone calls so what now? I don't have time to wait another 30 years.

If I can trace ancestors back to 1500, how can I keep losing a living person?

Hopefully I won't lose you,



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