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2006-06-11 - 10:36 a.m.

Life is generally good as I mentioned before, but right now, especially in the last month, I've been really a fucked up person. Ok, maybe thats too harsh, I'm just the same old Tom I've alway's been, but I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.

My Bad habits seem to be getting worse but what good points I have aren't compensating. Maybe I'm turning into a weekend binge drinker? Maybe I'm just too stressed. Work is pretty good, I really like most everyone I work with.

Home life is good also. I 've given up worrying about the wedding expense and just think about enjoying it. We are leaving tuesday night for California and the wedding is next Sat. Read on to see why I'm depressed with myself.

Mr. Vanilla, I think could turn out to be a lifelong close friend, but because we see things so differently I felt that I lost respect in his eyes a few weeks ago. Things seem to be better now, but sometimes he hides his feelings well. I didn't get the permanent position I applied for, but the successful candidate has been there 2 1/2 years as a contractor. Fair enough, He's a great guy and deserves it. The boss called me to break the news and was very nice in what he said and a potential future position. Still, I thought my interview was really good and unreasonable as it seems, I'm feeling low about it. I'm actually tearing up right now. ( Men don't cry) That's only part of it. Mr. Vanilla I trust you implicitly so I know you will never repeat this at work.

2 weeks ago......

The weekend was great. I got my motorcycle wheel and new "Fat tire" installed, went for a ride and took care of some shopping.

Sunday, Arturo flew in from CA. to buy his daughter a car. He's my oldest friend, and we've been through lots of life together. He was there when I met Amy, I was best man at both his weddings. We raised our kids together, and my parents and his dad are basically part of our extended family.

When we get to partying, watch out world! I bought some really nice sirloin steaks for Sunday night after he arrived. We tried to finalize this car deal off Craigs list, but it didn't happen till this morning. Sunday we just had some wine and some Guiness along with some Vodka taste tests. We were up early enough in the morning feeling chipper.

We went to a strip club ( He likes that) , but it wasn't really condusive to either of our moods. Later we went shopping and as usual he got $150. worth of steak, shrimp and wine cause he loves to cook. We did drink quite a lot and stayed up very late. It was a very good time for all.

Unfortunately today I felt like Shit, even though I didn't think I had all that much. I haven't felt that bad for years after drinking. I think perhaps all the alcohol and my new cholesterol medicine didn't agree.

Whatever, I had the choice of going to work, probably still drunk, and totally useless, or calling in and saying I was staying home. A real crappy timing issue as well as the fact I'm not like that. I'm supposed to have my permanent job interview this week.

I've suggested to Amy in the past few months that we cut off the wine till after the wedding, but it just hasn't happened. I'm so dissappointed in my actions....and more so in my behavior.

Why would I persist in pursuing a 25 year old girl a friend brought over, even if she's potentially amenable and is a dead ringer for Uma Thurman, when I've often said my lower age limit is 35 or 40?
What's worse than a randy old goat making a fool of himself? I have nothing to offer her and I love Amy always anyway.

I'm pretty disgusted with my chauvanistic attitude even though I've long since realized The CHASE and the CATCH are the exciting part of relationships for me.

No, there's no changing that. I'm a born slut, even if these days is mostly wishful thinking.

So now you have it. I live a life many people would want for it's middleclass "success", our good friends and wonderful families, good health and realative ease of living.

Yet within this framework of success, lie the seeds of self destruction buried within myself. I worry that Amy will get tired of our mostly humdrum existance and decide we don't have the intimacy we should have.

What to do? How to do it? What happens after the wedding?

Arturo flew home today,sated and pleased with our party last night. But he weighs 20 pounds more than me and he's only 5' 6'', and I'm 6' 1". He's for sure gained back the 30 pounds he'd lost last time I saw him. I don't want to go to any more friend's funerals.

Enough opening my soul right now. If I were a "Cutter" I'd be bleeding everywhere now. A bulimic, the house would be covered in vomit. No, I don't hate myself, but some behaviors have to change....

This week.... Weds. Amy and I went to pick up our first guests, her Irish niece Caitlin and her friend Reba. Caitlin has grown up from the "spawn of Hell child" she used to be, into a pretty and fun 16 going on 30 young lady. Reba is also 16, both a few weeks from 17. (Absolutely no excuse for my behavior!) Reba has long dark hair, and is quite shapely, as is Caitlin. Caitlin is a bit more risque in her behavior but seems pretty normal "teenage" to me. Reba is perhaps more conservative, but in my eyes she is stunningly beautiful. They both like motorcycles so I gave them both rides. They ride well, Caitlin could have been molded to me as close as she rides. Reba and I went for a couple hours north to a slightly higher elevation where it was cooler.
She also enjoyed the ride, over icecream I said The freedom of riding, the absolute loss of cares and problems is what makes the motorcycles so great. Then I said "You're young enough I'm no danger to you so just think of riding as one long pleasurasble close hug. If you were older then it would also be a long close hug, but unlike your teddy bear, there is definately a somewhat sexual feeling as well." She understood exactly what I was saying And wasn't offended. Indeed I've been told some women who ride on Harleys do so primarily for that very reason. Men don't even have to be there! OK, there wasn't any Sexual thoughts in my mind, but it definately was a real nice ride and very pleasureable to be held so tightly so long.

See where this is going? No where! Trust me, I've always said that when a man reaches over the age of 30, teenagers and young women can't see them. You just become invisable to them. And rightly so, I'm not that big of a pervert!

Later last night they left with Ryan and some friends, and I ended up Drunk off my ass, and feet!

Why would I ever say,"I hope you visit again in a year, a month, and a day", Reba's 18th birthday, unless I'm a totally fucked up person?

I'm afraid they will have to chain me in the Hotel basement after the wedding for me not to be a total jerk. Remember Euro Bear will be there and you already know I can't keep my grubby mits off her whenever she's around. Click here to for Euro Bear and I Then so will Amy's sister, "meter maid" (the Beatles song, Lovely Rita meter maid.... Took her home I nearly made it Sitting on the sofa with a sister or two) Click here to see these beautiful women ....) who while not lovers certainly can get friendly. I could go on, but I don't want to bore you any more.

I try to be a decent person, usually a caring person but lately I feel more and more Fucked up. No one sees the whole picture but me. My fuckedupedness is spread around, but I see it, and it's not always pleasant. I'm also worried I'm losing my mind....I mean literally, as in early Altzhiemers or something. I can't remember short term things to save my life. Maybe I'm starting to "act out" unconsciously due to early dementia???

Anyway I can't lose any more readers by mentioning any of this, cause it seems I've lost most of them already. Oh well, life is tough then you die.



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