2007-08-28 - 7:14 p.m.Did I ever mention how much I hate bedpans? You know the shiny metal things that look like a cross between a chrome Napoleon's hat and a 1930's art deco sculpture.
Maybe I didn't mention it, so lets begin at the very beginning:
In the beginning was the word, and
TO BE CONTINUED, after our hero extricates himself from the dreaded "office chair of Doom".
I'm back. and the word was curiosity. Our hero, wandering thru, promptly was named Curiouoso*. Said Curiouoso*, was taking Martial Arts classes trying to decide which style/instructor, He and the Rat Ryan were going to take, when they scheduled themselves for Brazillion Jiu Jitsu. The first class went OK and then the second was on Monday night. Curiouoso had thought a lot about this, dredging up memories of high school wrestling, college Judo classes and sheer meaness, to get through more classes while he was learning. Now we're up to date.
We learned a few techniques, then began to practice them. I was able to utilize the first new technique (by luck), and my partner tapped out. Then I managed to get him in an arm bar, and he tapped out again. The third time I was trying to muscle him around and then use his stregnth against him, when from a standing position curiouoso* caught his ankle in a funny way and a series of loud cracks were heard. Curiouoso sat out the rest of the class on a bad sprianed ankle. Since it was swollen so much your wussy protagonist decided to have xrays at the local E.R.
It took 6 hours to get xrayed and advised. Curiouoso* felt like a real wuss after a while as people were literally dying around him or were in worse shape than him. One guy, straight from the local mosh pit, had an ankle that seemed to put mine to shame. It looked like a ripe eggplant, a big fat purple eggplant. He xrayed after me and someone came out and cast him soon after. I thought that his must be worse than mine, so they fixed him up quicker. At 4:00 A.M., they finally sat me on a bed and a doctor explained what was wrong with me. "You have a vivid imagination and are a real pussy! It's barely even sprined!"
Or so I imagined. I could have lived with a simple break, enough to "brag" what a tough guy I was, but still continue on with life, BUT NO, Curiouoso* has to try and do everything with gusto! All that cracking was my ankle socket self destructing with three (3) breaks and mucho cracks. Now I'm no longer a Wuss, Just incapacitated for the near future. ( Hey can we have a revote? I vote for being a Wuss!)
Tuesday next, It'll be bedpan city again while I try to sleep through slicing open the old leg again and people screwing in plates and assorted bits of metal to the left ankle. I'll never get through airport checkpoints again.
Now I have my first chance to follow in the footsteps of the "I never saw a drug I didn't like" Noelle Bush, the infamous big fat liar "It was all my housekeeper's fault" Rush Limbaugh, or my favorite, "You want sleeze, I'll give you sleeze," Courtney love, by abusing oxycontin. It's too bad I don't have disability insurance, I'll have to quickly graduate from leather officechair/makeshift wheelchair FU, to real crutches FU. Crutches Fu huh? And this from a guy who can't even use chopsticks....
Curiouoso* about to "pop and drop" for another 6 hours.|
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