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2007-03-16 - 10:16 a.m.

I thought I'd pass on these Email jokes I got:

IRISH SMILES:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

*****************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A Garda pulls him over.

"So," says the Garda to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the Garda, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the Garda, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


*****************************************************

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
***********************************


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

********************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

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